My lucky number is 4...beyond that I'm in for permanent damage. But it's only been 1 year.  Don't blame me...blame luck...is what i'd say during more naiive and less...fortunate times.  Times when there was a lot of things missing in my psyche...probably because i wouldn't let them in at the moment.  oh yes, the moment...she was one of the many i regret showing the door.  I knew her, Nohea, for only three days short of  week.  No no, four.  It's funy that the sad and shamed memory works on it now, i know...i know.  Just chalk it up to another thing missing...memory, that is.  that wasn't a good joke, but this isn't a joke...but in a sense, it really is.  I didn't know Nohead "suffered" ADD.  But she told me that much later after meds.  I didn't know i had ADD...and i realize it just now proudly without meds.  I don't want to make up any weepy stories, i just want a change for the better in me, and i don't want this feeling to go the pass or to come popping up again in about a year from now.  The moment, ahem, was not the first in which we acted comfortable around each other.  North Carolina had been our Las Vegas...and i think she and I or at least I forgot who i was and as a perk forgot about my bashfulness.  INstead, the new location brought forth an insurgence of hedonistic actions (7 days in some state i haven't been to and won't be going to again soon) as well as unabashed confidence in who i "really" was at the time.  We went back to her hotel, played drinking games without drinking.  Nohea looked lovely in her karate bottoms and (letting it hit me) her brown top which i guess i'll remember her to wear for my own sake.  And the 2nd day i met her i taught her partner stretching which was actually a pretty good teaser before our first kiss.   Today after our drinking games we did the same thing and today it wasn't so teasing as much as it was nurturing, i'd help her stretch out and she'd help me out and it all played out, as you, my audience would say, like a low class porno...a karate guy with a karate girl helping each other become agile and whatnot.  oh so corny.  I looked at things that way...and then thought of giving and taking.  She had been through a lot and so had i.  SHe knew it by touching me like i knew it by touching her...and today i actually feel the full slap of that connection.  Transcending into her by massaging like she did to me.  It was different, but...personal.  The most personal feelings...yeah...the most embarassing you guessed...because the most embarassing actions bring them out.  And i'll always regret that i had add at that moment and forgot...i should have asked her for some of her medication...because it really was a moment that special.  She knew i knew she felt and she wanted to know that she knew how i felt.  But no, karate stretching...that's a corny way to do things isn't it mate.  You played along but you didn't feel it like she did.  You didn't cry with her the way she cried in knowing things would be done with soon.  You didn't know how to stay close and you didn't know how to admit you were afraid.  To my audience...you were all of them...and refused to look deeper without thinking you would drown in something that's not pertinent in your life.  Nohea left you becuase to her you already left.  She left you because you'd already left.She left you because you already left...take it that love has no shame.  and take it that pain will never ask why.  Now you can leave with a lesson in mind and a resolution to boot.  If you left earlier, you're no better than any other human being who thinks rightfully this not to be their business because, sir, it's not.  But sir, it most surely is yours and has been for too long a time now for you to ignore.  A year is a healthy cut...3 years far from a scar.

this thing isn't a diary